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I wish I would have started typing this out right when I was most upset. I didn’t really dawn on me to tell my story until after I calmed down. I want to tell you about my abortion and the effects it’s had on me. Even though it’s been over a year, I still deal with this every single day. Now I’m mostly ok, but sometimes it does get overwhelming.
I take full blame for my actions, but I can’t help but ask when this will all go away. I wanted to keep the baby. The only reason I didn’t was because I knew what everyone else would say. I knew my boyfriend would be upset because he’s always talking about how we don’t have the money and that we need to save to have a kid. I knew my family would think I just wasted my time to reach career goals or *whatever* and that I wouldn’t be able to go out and “enjoy my early years”. I didn’t even have time to think for myself. I called the day after I found out and scheduled the appointment. It was all such a blur but during the 4 days that I had to wait for my appointment, I had already bonded with the baby. I wasn’t smoking, wasn’t drinking any Mountain Dew, no sushi, and I was already rubbing my belly. Completely cut everything out, cold turkey. That’s completely not like me. It had to be a subconscious bond because when the day came, I went on down to the clinic and didn’t even think twice when the nurse asked if I was 100% sure I knew what I was doing. It didn’t even phase me when I had to take the second pill after I got home. After all the nasty, explicit stuff- I won’t subject you to read- happened, that’s when it hit me. I did this for everyone else and not myself.
The next day I went in to see my tattoo artist & told him I wanted a unicorn on my ear. He asked why, of course, & I just told him I wanted a damn unicorn because I like them. If someone walks up to me on the street & asks why, I’ll have some made up story, because I’m still ashamed to be open about it. This tattoo is the only one of mine that has deep meaning. I grew up watching ‘The Last Unicorn’ all the time. When my dad would take me to the beach as a kid, I would run into the ocean to save the unicorns. Very vivid imagination. Anyways, before you guys think I’ve gone completely off track- I associate this with things I cannot have. The baby was my unicorn. It makes a bit more sense if you’ve seen the movie or read the book. Moving on.
I went to work within the next days and tried to remove it from my memory. Obviously working at a grocery store at the time would be impossible with all the young moms and babies. I would randomly cry if I saw any of that. The managers started getting annoyed with this and I kept getting in trouble. So I quit. I couldn’t handle it. So for a month or two, I didn’t work at all. I stayed home and moped.I blocked every single person on Facebook that was pregnant or had a baby. That didn’t last long because some girls that weren’t blocked ended up getting pregnant and blasting that all over my feed anyway. It’s not something you can run from.
After a while, I got a job at Target. Things were going well & my boyfriend also did his best to distract me by having us travel to new places & try new things. I knew that in the back of my mind the whole time. It was just a ploy, but I appreciated the effort. Working at Target was great, up until one night when I had a conversation with our HR lady, who happened to also be a manager there. Is that even ok? Seems like a conflict of interest to me, even before this incident. Anyway, this night she gets on the subject of her kids and somehow it turns into this whole thing about how I wouldn’t be a good mother. I promise it was more elaborate than that, it’s just over 9 months have passed since then and I honestly can’t even remember. Anyway, I was shocked, but said nothing until later, to the main manager. She told me I must have misunderstood what the HR lady said because English is her second language. That was no misunderstanding. That was a whole bunch of bullshit. Needless to say, I was fired. They really care about their employees, huh?
So at this point, having no job, I got really artsy. It kept my mind off everything that I needed to be working on. I learned to detach myself from all emotion. That worked for a few more months. Now it’s been hitting me all over again lately. I’m going in circles at this point. I have a hard time falling asleep at night, I mean, I always have, but it’s much worse now. And I’m scared to death of taking any pills, even if it’s aspirin. I just cannot do it. I have issues when I know my period is coming. After the abortion, I put a “period log” on my phone to track the days. It’s damn accurate, but like clockwork- few days before it starts and I’m freaking out that I’m late. It’s not PMS, people, it’s fucking trauma.
There are little things, I’m sure, that I should probably work on. Step 1 should be to throw away the pill bottle the clinic gave me. After I took the pill, I just threw the bottle into one of my drawers in the bathroom. Every once in a while I’ll come across it, if I’m looking for foundation or something. I’m tempted to throw it away, but it just makes me want to cry, so I just cram it further to the back of the drawer.
The other day, my boyfriend & I were driving with a friend when he randomly spurts out that his wife is pregnant. It was like, a little snippet in between talking about guns. He was so nonchalant about it. Pissed me the fuck off, he acted as if it were no big deal. I’m sure the reason he brushed it off so quickly, changing the subject back to guns, was possibly that he realized I was sitting right there, knowing what I had been through.
By the way, how much does one need to save for upfront to have a baby? Do people actually do that? Well, I’m sure to some extent, but are babies ever really THAT planned? I think even if you save a decent amount, you’re still never really ready for a kid. At this rate, I’ll be too old! That’s depressing. How are all my friends so happy with their babies, if it’s so hard? I’m going to be honest, a lot of the people on my Facebook are fucktards- and they look like they are doing just fine. Why couldn’t that have been me? I am ruining the shit out of my relationship because I want to blame this all on him and on everyone else. Someone help me.
The problem is that I know exactly what I’m doing. I know how I’m making myself to be perceived by others. I know when I’m acting like there’s something wrong, but say everything is fine. I want that attention, but I don’t want to talk about it at the same time. I don’t know how to fix myself. I’ve read everything online about this, hell; I’ve even read self-help books. I think they are all pointless or too preachy. I could write those books myself, I just can’t follow them. I feel like they want me to be in complete zen and fucking meditate after reading that kind of stuff. I don’t want to be someone who reads a book & is completely changed. I just want this small little aspect to be fixed. I shouldn’t have to change my whole damn lifestyle. I don’t need God to enlighten me. I don’t believe in any of that and I don’t need you to tell me to start believing in God either. I don’t want to hear that I need a shrink. I already know that. My insurance doesn’t cover it.
I just want to be myself again. I want to be able to fall asleep better. I don’t want to cry over my periods anymore. I want to be able to look at babies and smile. Do I want a baby right now? Fuck no. I feel that even writing this has lifted a lot of weight, but I’m sure you see me in more of a bitchier light. This is over a year of oppression without help. I’m still angry, but I’m learning new tactics. And this probably isn’t something that you post publicly, but I’m doing this for me- not you, not anyone else. Like I should have done in the first place.
Found this spider in an empty trash bin in a cemetery in Pennsylvania. Sorry the video is retardedly long, but the photos are pretty sweet, huh? We picked up as many huge ants as we could see crawling around & hucked them in for the spider.
…motivation is what I’m experiencing right now. I’m having a near impossible time starting the homework I’ve fallen behind on. And what do I find myself doing in those instances? Oh, just stuff like this. What can I say.
Though I would admittedly be startled by a snake in the woods/close underfoot, I’ve never been that girl who shudders at the mere thought or sight of one. Maybe it was because as a kid, I remember my dad always picking them up to show me , or because I’ve never had a personal reason to be scared of them. I try to be above the rationalization of ruling out an entire species as “bad” just because a few of them are considered dangerous–I can rarely even bring myself to kill spiders because of this childhood book I had all about how the majority of spiders were good. I considered getting a snake a while back, but I couldn’t handle the feeding aspect (or cost) of them. Anyway, if you are one who harbors a snake phobia, either skip this entry or try to challenge yourself to temporarily view them abstractly from Guido Mocafico‘s perspective: one that gives way to the sheer aesthetic pleasure of these creatures! (Or just check out his other photography.)
Looking at snakes is much more fun than doing my homework.
At first glance it looks like they’re putting real guns in their mouths, but in real life they are eating edible ice guns.
They all have different kinds of flavors–cola, cherry, licorice and black currant. They are an addition to the first 50 tinted ice guns that Florian Jenett and Valentin Beinroth made and placed in downtown Frankfurt a few years ago.
These edible eatables where exhibited at an art show called “Freeze Revisited”, and their existence certainly shocked a lot of people.
These amazing embryonic animal photographs of dolphins, sharks, dogs, penguins, cats and elephants are from a new National Geographic Documentary called “Extraordinary Animals in the Womb”. The show’s producer, Peter Chinn, used a combination of three-dimensional ultrasound scans, computer graphics and tiny cameras to capture the process from conception to birth. They are the most detailed embryonic animal pictures ever seen.
Since we just posted some bits from BMW’s history, we decided to stay on the topic and talk about the ///M logo, the three stripes that make M branded cars even more recognizable. So, let’s see what we can learn about the “M” today.
The first Red stripe represented Texaco, the famous American oil retail brand, who had partnered with BMW during the early days of M racing. Blue represented BMW and Bavarian region. The purple was used to represent the partnership and to allow for a nice transition between the two colors, blending as some may call it.
Once the BMW/Texaco partnership ended, BMW had to buyout Texaco for the rights to the red.
For those of you that are in the imaging or graphics field, here is something that I dug out, the color names and codes used in the ///M stripes:
Pantone: Blue — Pantone Process Blue Purple — Pantone 268 Red — Pantone Warm Red
Paint: blue violett GLASURIT-BMW 4000 light blue GLASURIT-BMW 5002 red GLASURIT-BMW 353
Many of my family members didn't want to hold onto my childhood toys anymore so I now have a bunch of boxes piling up. What are the majority of them containing? MY LITTLE PONYS. So, wondering what to do with them all, I looked online and most of these ponies are now 'custom' and are sold for a shit ton of money. The ones I've seen are so intricate and perfect. I feel like a failure but, this is only the beginning... and plus all I had to sculpt with were tweezers. The majority of 'pony cusomizers' out there probably have little workshops and shit set up. I used my coffee table, which, if you've seen it, you know that it is not work-space appropriate.
Introducing 'My Little Magpul Pony' otherwise known as 'The Chris Costa Pony'. Is it safe to say now that I have WAY too much time on my hands? I know all you fanboys out there are like 'wtf' right now but hey, I'm a girl, I can turn anything masculine and badass into total and utter cuteness.
What I absolutely cannot stand are popular tattoos. I don't get how people think they are being unique by getting a tattoo that I have listed below. For those of you who are planning on getting a tattoo: go to a crowded event, such as a concert or tattoo convention. If you see your idea on anyone there, don't get it because chances are 5 million other people have it. Sure, it's hard to be unique or come up with ideas, but really, if you get something popular- it's like joining a cult or being shoved into a stereotypical category.
To me, it doesn't quite matter if the tattoo is stupid and meaningless- just don't get a common one. Many people would say mine are retarded, but at least they're original!
10. The Swallow Tattoo.
There's always two and they're always on the chest. With GodsGirls and Suicide Girls alone, I lost count on how many girls had them.
9. Tribal Tattoos.
This especially irritates me when none are done by an actual tribe. That's only what, 99.5% of tribal tattoos in the US? I think Angelina Jolie is the only person in America with a true tribal tattoo. How sad.
8. Nautical Stars.
Ok, I fall into this typical tattoo group. I was 18 and NEEDED a tattoo. I used to draw nautical stars all the time on everything so without thinking I got them. As the years went by and emo kids and scene kids started popping up, I feel I've been pushed into being a part of that shit just because of these tattoos. Oops on my part. At least they aren't visible or huge like this fag's:
7. The Butterfly Tramp Stamp.
It's bad enough to get a tramp stamp and nothing else but it seems like girls only want to get butterflies there. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
6. Barbed Wire Tattoos.
Only ever found on the arm. It used to be a big thing to get this in prison for the meaning of 'confinement' but I've seen a bunch of porn stars with this shit too. Also happens to be a big fad for Scottsdale douchebags.
5. Flames.
Always a big thing to be on the wrists. Can you just punch so fast that you catch on fire? Great example of this would have to be Chester Bennington from Linkin Park.
4. Koi Tattoos.
No matter how many different koi tattoos you look at, they are all the fucking same thing. Maybe the koi is a different color, but it's still swimming up someone's body. Oh shit, go back and look at Chester again. What a tard. Fucking koi.
3. The Cross.
Back in the day, hardcore Christians would have freaked over this. In the Old Testament it even says not to do anything to your body. Now, Christians are getting this shit all over the place. Maybe they realized the Bible is just made-up. I mean, it even said in there you can't cut your hair because it's Satanic. Either way, too many people have cross tattoos and the one below is a bit provocative for what it is. Here's a link to people who are in this group and think these tattoos are awesome:
It's bad enough that you get a band logo tattooed but it seems like everyone has this fucking thing. Even if you just like the sun aspect of it, you can't get it because everyone will be like, "oh, lolz, GODSMACK." Yeah, no, not even a band that sticks out musically. I actually feel sorry for you people...
And there they were, Top 10 Most Annoying Tattoos, according to me. I know I'm going to get some fag on here saying, "Oh well, you think you're so awesome, what tattoos do you have?" SOOO, I'm just going to post mine below to get it over with.
My first two tattoos, the nautical stars, were really fucking hard to find pictures of. I'm too lazy to take a picture right now, so this is probably the best shot I can find for now so deal.
My second [technically third] tattoo is the BMW ///M series logo on my right wrist. IMO, the best quality car out there. I love 'em, they're hot shit.
My fourth tattoo was when I went to Italy and got 'Vaffanculo' tattooed on my foot. 'Vaffanculo' means 'Fuck Off' in Italian. No, I'm not Italian... but I've been there and it was a nice parting gift to myself. I can see your mind wheels turning about how I said Chinese symbols are stupid on white chicks, when I have an Italian word on me. I'm talking about the chicks that have never been to China or picked it out on the wall at the tattoo shop "because it's cute" & can only guess at what it really means.
My fifth and sixth tattoos are my favorite. They are stockings with Stormtroopers in the center of the bow. Obviously, from my stars and the bows, blue happens to be my favorite color. Being a Stormtrooper is my dream career. Now you know.
My seventh tattoo that I got this month [June, 2010] is of a unicorn's head behind my right ear. This is the only 'personal/deep meaning' tattoo I have gotten.
My eighth tattoo is of a HK 416 on my ribs.
My ninth tattoo is of a freshwater eel I used to have. He's on my hip/thigh area. I would feed him goldfish, but he was so freakin' blind that he'd smack into everything & miss a lot before catching them. I always joked that he needed a monocle to stay classy. You can't have a monocle without a top hat, so BAM, this tattoo idea was born.
My tenth tattoo is 'Masha' from the movies 'Night Watch' & 'Day Watch' on my right shoulder. She's a spider-doll. The theory is that she is to me what a cat is to a witch. My "other". It makes sense if you see the movies or understand the concept of a damn witch & her cat. Too much explaining for this one.
My eleventh tattoo is of Maynard James Keenan. Well, a silhouette anyway. He's got a shotgun & a bottle of his wine. I have the sticker on my car & I have this minor (major) obsession with him, so it's fitting. He's a horrible phone photo of him until I get a better quality one done in a few weeks.
And my twelfth tattoo is of a 'g' on my ring finger. I'm married. My last name now starts with a 'g'.
And those are mine so far. Feel free to let me know what tattoos you have or hate!! =]]
